


Love Goes On

by SubtextEquals



Series: Agron and Nasir's Romantic Dramedy [4]
Category: Spartacus Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 08:50:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1851931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SubtextEquals/pseuds/SubtextEquals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years after Duro's death, Agron is still struggling with accepting that his brother is gone. Worse, his problems are bleeding over into his relationship with Nasir. There is no moving on but there is learning how to go on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Goes On

**Author's Note:**

> I started this almost right after the last fic, once I realized that Agron's issues remained largely unaddressed and that to do that he needed his own POV fic. Hopefully this has finally managed to tie up some loose ends although losses like this are never fully resolved.

Nasir’s alarm went off. Agron wound his arm tighter around Nasir in response, even as his boyfriend stretched his arm out to turn the damn thing off. Finally, he got the phone in his hand, swiped to deactivate it, and set it back down on the nightstand. He pressed back against Agron.

At last, Agron could go back to sleeping in peace.

Nasir’s hand covered his. “Agron?”

“Mm.” Agron buried his face in Nasir’s hair.

“I need to get up,” Nasir said.

“No, you don’t.” Agron mumbled and got a few strands of hair in his mouth as a result. He pulled back, nudged the hair away with his nose, and rested his face against Nasir’s shoulder.

“I have class.”

“Skip it.”

“I can’t.” Nasir pulled Agron’s arm away from him and the next moment there was nothing but cold air where Nasir’s body had been.

“You’re taking class too seriously.” Agron reached out to try and get a hold of Nasir’s arm and pull him back to bed but he was too far away, now sorting through the dresser that both their clothes were in.

The drawers were usually segregated with Agron’s clothes on the left and Nasir’s on the right but they had a habit of jumbling together. Nasir apparently wasn’t in the mood for digging for his own shirts and pulled out one of Agron’s instead.

“I’m in college so I can get good grades and learn something.”

“I thought you were in college so you could meet hot guys and fuck them.”

“One hot guy.” Nasir got his shirt on. “And that was more of an unexpected bonus.”

“I’m a bonus?”

“A very good one.” Nasir walked over, still without his boxers or jeans, and climbed over Agron.

Agron rolled onto his back so Nasir had better access to his lips. He got his arms around him. “Stay.”

“I can’t start skipping classes the second week of my junior year. I’ll see you later today.” Nasir gave him one last kiss before moving off of Agron and the bed and searching for the rest of his clothes.

Agron watched Nasir dress himself. “Want to meet back here or do something?” He asked.

“Can you stand to have dinner with Naevia and Crixus?”

“Not today.”

“Then back here.” Nasir reached for his brush and set to work on his hair. “Do you want to watch more Rome?”

“I want to bite your ass.”

Nasir made as if to throw his brush at Agron but didn’t and went back to attending to his hair. “You’ll have to fight me if you want to do that.”

Agron smiled. “I can do that.”

Nasir swept his hair back. “I’m going to eat something. Want to get up?”

“No.”

“Then I’ll see you later.”

Agron, never one to miss an opportunity to check out Nasir, stared at his boyfriend’s ass as he made his way out. Then he turned on his side and pressed his face to the pillow to get another hour of sleep. When he woke he wished he’d gotten up out of bed when Nasir asked.

“Fuck.” Agron’s hand shook as he pushed it through his hair and sat up. His body was trembling too as he walked to the bathroom to wash his face but even that wasn’t enough. He was drenched and only a shower could save him now.

He got the water running, stripped, and waited until it was warm to step inside.

Agron hadn’t had a nightmare like that in a while. He thought he was making progress but then…

He was never going to be able to get the image of Duro dying out of his head, was he?

An hour and a half later, Agron dragged himself to class. He couldn’t say he remembered anything they covered. This was the one time he was lucky he could barely hold a pencil because it meant his notes were going to be emailed to him and maybe he could make sense of them then. It was the same for the class after that and when it was over he headed to the gym to work off his nervous energy. Then he went to his apartment and took another shower. He was still in when he heard the door to the bathroom open.

“Went to the gym?” Nasir asked.

Agron couldn’t see him through the shower curtain, nor could he hear the rustle of clothes as Nasir disrobed but he knew it was happening.

“Yeah.”

“Have a good workout?”

“Yeah.”

“I should have stayed in bed with you. My classes were boring.” Nasir pulled back the shower curtain and stepped inside, behind Agron.

He wrapped his arms around him. It was comical how small he was compared to Agron and that he was trying to envelop him instead of the other way around. That didn’t stop Nasir from digging his teeth into Agron’s shoulder blade.

“Nasir, can we do this later?”

Nasir’s mouth froze where it was on Agron. Then he pulled back. “What is it?”

“Just not in the mood.”

“Agron.” Nasir had that tone, the one that Agron found too hard to resist. A soft pleading note of ‘please tell me.’

“Bad dream,” was all Agron had to say.

Nasir kissed his shoulder blade again then unwound his arms from him. “I’m going to kill some Dwemer. Let me know if you need me.”

Agron looked back at him. “You know I don’t understand your video game references.”

Nasir stepped out of the shower. “But you know I’ll be playing a video game.”

Agron didn’t smile at the response but he wanted to.

 

The door to the health center closed behind Agron as he stepped out into the sun. His eyes immediately landed on a nearby tree and he was overcome with the strong desire to kick and punch it until either it broke in half or his hands did. Instead he took ten deep breaths.

He hated therapy. He also knew he needed it. As he’d just had pointed out, he was doing better. Even if he’d had a “setback.”

He was never really going to be better though, not unless Duro came back.

Agron set off toward his apartment. About five minutes in, he got to the row of buildings facing each other, separated by a field. And there, outside of one of those buildings, he spotted Nasir. Talking to Castus. Nasir laughed at something Castus said. Agron clenched his hands and could barely feel the fingernails of his right hand dig into his palm.

Castus caught sight of him first but his smile remained in place. “Agron.”

That had probably been more to signal Nasir that his boyfriend was here, since Nasir turned to face Agron. His smile was still there but a little more hesitant now that he had been caught with someone who was trying to solidify his place in Agron’s list of “People Who Deserve to Have Their Face Punched in Repeatedly.”

“Hey.” Nasir walked over to him. “You didn’t answer my texts. Where were you?”

“Health center,” Agron said shortly. Had he mentioned that or had Nasir forgotten? It didn’t really matter.

“Are you sick?” Castus asked.

Agron glanced at Nasir. This was exactly the kind of questions he outright fucking hated. “Strained a muscle.” He lied.

“So we’d better get back home,” Nasir said quickly. “I’ll talk to you later, Castus.” He guided Agron in the direction of their apartment.

Agron couldn’t resist shooting Castus a glare over his shoulder.

“Agron.” Nasir whispered, taking his hand and pulling it.

“Sorry.” Agron looked forward again.

Part of him knew he was being stupid and part of him thought it was really Nasir for going along with Castus. He’d been assured that everything was settled between the two of them but that guy smiled at Nasir way too much.

“I saw Crixus.” Nasir told him. “He wants to talk to you about the History Club and having a lecture or a movie.”

“I’ll talk to him Friday.”

Nasir turned to look at him. “It didn’t go well, did it?”

“It went as well as it always does.”

Nasir was quiet for a moment, then he suddenly spoke. “Soccer skirmish?”

Agron glanced at his boyfriend. “What?”

“We should have one with just the two of us. I’m going to win again.”

Agron got his arm around Nasir’s waist and pulled him closer. “You know you won’t.”

“I will.” Nasir grinned. “Unless you break my nose.”

Agron opened his mouth in a shocked expression before turning it into a smile. “That was two years ago.”

“Yes, and the day you won me over with your charming ways.”

“I brought you aleve!”

“I think the best part of that,” Nasir continued as if Agron hadn’t said anything, “was that you kept yourself from getting kissed for weeks.”

“Didn’t stop us from having fun.” His smile turned into a leer.

“You’re so lucky I’m forgiving.”

While they had been joking, Agron had to admit that statement was… really fucking accurate.

“I really am.” He replied and kissed Nasir just as a crowd of students passed them.

 

It was two in the morning and Agron was still awake, watching some movie he thought might be good for a History Club movie night but couldn’t recall if it had been shown before. Nasir was already asleep and his weight was familiar over Agron’s body. This had happened before, lying on the couch, watching some (usually God awful) movie until they both fell asleep. It had only started since late that summer, when Nasir a. had more time and b. had accepted that Agron was not going to accidentally shove him off the couch in his sleep.

Honestly though, Agron preferred the bed but he wouldn’t say no to being close to Nasir. Waking him wouldn’t feel right and Agron’s limbs felt too heavy to carry him to his room. He could feel himself drifting and finally stopped pretending to pay attention to the movie so he could rest his head against Nasir’s and curl his arm tighter around him.

He still didn’t want to sleep, not after what had happened before. But he couldn’t fight it any longer. When he did succumb, he wished he’d resisted more.

It started out innocent enough though the warning signs always glared at him. There was always something off, some part of his mind that knew what was coming but he could never break from the dream.

He knew what was wrong, what confused him from the start, was that Duro was alive, a fact that was soon forgotten. He was playing soccer, together with Nasir, Spartacus, and Crixus. Agron froze in the middle of the match and received the ball rocketing toward his face for it.

“Fuck!” Agron’s hand went up to his face.

“Should have seen that one coming!” Duro laughed at him.

“Stop being a little shit!” Agron snapped and kicked the ball, aiming for Duro’s face, but he dodged.

Agron shouldn’t be angry at his brother though and he couldn’t… he couldn’t remember why.

“I’ll stop being a shit when you stop being ugly.”

“Duro,” Nasir said, coming up from behind Agron. “Don’t insult my taste in men.”

“Before you two start making out, let’s see a movie or something.” Duro suggested.

“That’s not a bad idea,” Spartacus said.

“No,” Agron said suddenly, realizing more and more what was going on here and what was coming. “We should stay here.”

_Duro’s dead. He shouldn’t be here. He’s dead. My friends never met him._

With that realization, Agron couldn’t stop staring at his brother. “Duro--” He stepped towards him and the weight of the past four years without him crushed him. He reached out for him, wanting to get his arm around him one more time, ruffle his hair, tell him he loved him, but Duro was walking away. He hadn’t even noticed.

“Don’t go. Stay here.”

As soon as the words left Agron’s mouth, his surroundings had changed. They were seated in a car-- Spartacus’s, in the same position as he had been during the car accident over a year before. It was just the same. Nasir wouldn’t even look at him. The only difference was Duro sat between Agron and Nasir.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Duro said.

Then it happened. The impact made Agron’s body snap forward, held in place only by his seatbelt and then there was the sensation of rolling with the car but when it stopped and Agron opened his eyes, he wasn’t inside. Instead he was gazing up at the night sky. His arm hurt. He didn’t look down to see if the bone had punctured his skin. He didn’t look away from the stars at all. He knew what he would find if he did.

“Brother…”

That got Agron moving. To his surprise, he could move both arms, and so when he got to his brother, he held him.

Duro was bloodied and his eyes were unfocused though they tried to latch onto him.

“I’m sorry.” Agron could barely get the words out. He stroked Duro’s head. “I’m sorry.”

This time, in the moments leading up to Duro’s death, his brother was silent. For a long time, Agron couldn’t let go of Duro but when he looked up from him, he saw other bodies. Spartacus, Crixus, both of them lying motionless. But he couldn’t see Nasir.

Steeling himself, pressing one kiss to Duro’s forehead, he let go of his brother and stood. He stepped around the bodies of his friends and toward the car. Blood covered the backseat along with the body lying over it.

Agron brushed back Nasir’s hair from his face and screamed.

He started awake, breathing in hard and consequently getting a lock of Nasir’s hair stuck in his mouth. He spat it out and reached up to feel Nasir’s heart. Beating. Agron still felt like his own had frozen.

Nasir moved his hand to cover Agron’s. “I’m all right.” His voice was faint and tired but he still ran his fingers over Agron’s hand. “I’m all right.” He repeated.

Agron tried to tell him that he knew but he couldn’t get it out.

“I’m all right.”

“Yeah,” Agron said finally as Nasir reached back and rested his hand over Agron’s neck. “Yeah.”

 

Agron was lucky it was a weekend because that meant that, when he did finally fall asleep again, he could stay that way for as long as his body needed. He was still on the couch when he opened his eyes and the smell of coffee filtered through his nose.

“Did you go to Starbucks?” He asked.

“My treat.” Nasir answered. “I thought you’d want some to wake up.”

“You know me too fucking well.” Agron pushed himself off the couch and wandered over to the table. Nasir sat there, slowly sipping his own coffee, and pushed Agron’s closer to him. Agron thanked him and was pleased to discover that the drink was still hot.

“I don’t know if it’s good for you right now.” Nasir admitted.

“It’s fine for me.” Agron grumbled.

“Yeah,” Nasir said quietly. “If you need to talk about it--”

“I don’t,” Agron said shortly and quickly.

Nasir didn’t say anything. He didn’t take a drink of his coffee either, just stared at the table.

Agron stopped himself from sighing. “You don’t want to hear about it.”

Nasir looked up at Agron, who found it hard to keep his eyes focused on Nasir’s soft brown ones. “Yes, I do.”

Fuck.

“You die. Duro dies. Spartacus, Crixus-- everyone. It makes me want to rip apart all the fucking cars in the world.”

“If you could, I’d help you.” Nasir paused. “It won’t always be this bad. You are getting better. You didn’t kick me or anything and it has been a while since you had one of these dreams.”

Agron didn’t respond, either to affirm or deny that assertion. He didn’t need to.

“Oh.” Nasir’s voice was quiet. “Agron… you’re not going to go through this alone.”

“You can’t promise you’ll be here forever.” Agron couldn’t meet his eyes.

“No, but no one can. I will be with you for as long as I can and if I can’t-- there’s still your friends. You won’t be alone.”

Agron shrugged. “You’re right.”

“Hey.”

Agron finally looked up at Nasir, whose face seemed lighter even if it was still solemn.

“I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

“Neither did Duro.” The words escaped Agron before he could stop them and once they were out they hung in the air between them.

Nasir pressed his hand to his temple. “I’m sorry, Agron.”

Agron let out a deep breath. “Fuck.” He drained his coffee before it went cold. For the first time, he noticed he had a layer of sweat seeping into his skin. “I’m taking a shower.”

Nasir didn’t ask if he could join.

 

“Missing my morning notes?” Spartacus asked. He and Agron were going for a walk around campus, having realized that both of them needed to get some energy out while Spartacus visited.

“You mean your being fucking passive aggressive? Yeah, I really miss that,” Agron said dryly although the truth was he did.

“And you weren’t just as passive aggressive when we wrote back? What was that one time, about how you and Nasir fucked on the couch?”

“The couch is prime fucking property. You should see the use we put to it now.”

Spartacus shook his head. “I’d rather not.”

“Speaking of fucking, you talk to Mira?”

Spartacus tensed at that. “Not recently.”

“She had some job teaching archery at a summer camp and I think she said she lined that up for next year. I haven’t heard what she’s doing now.”

“We’re not getting back together.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to her. You knew her all through college. If Nasir and I broke up, I’d want to keep talking to him too.”

Spartacus looked over at him with piercing eyes. “That’s not how you felt before.”

Agron opened his mouth but couldn’t get his words out for a moment. “I walked right the fuck into that one,” he said finally.

“You did.” Spartacus kept watching him. “How are you two doing?”

“Good,” Agron said automatically. Then he corrected himself. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I’m still having problems. With the accident.” He didn’t need to elaborate on that subject. “It’s not fair to him that he has to deal with all my shit.”

“I’m sure he _wants_ to deal with your shit.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean he deserves it.”

Spartacus kept his eyes on Agron as they walked. “We don’t always deserve the people we love but that doesn’t stop us from loving them. Just tell me you haven’t beat up Castus again.”

Agron shrugged. “No, but I really fucking want to.”

“You need to get over it.”

This time, Agron tried not to roll his eyes. “Yeah, he’s only flirting with Nasir constantly, invited him over, tried to kiss him, and keeps giving him that fucking smile.”

“Agron. Nasir chose you. Get over it.”

Agron folded his arms over his chest and fought the urge to tell Spartacus to fuck off. “I’m working on it.”

Spartacus waved as he spotted Crixus in the distance. “That’s all I can ask.”

 

A month into the semester, Agron felt like he was going to explode. It wasn’t about Castus. He’d taken Spartacus’s advice and tried to put his suspicions behind him and trust in Nasir more, so he’d even allowed Nasir to take Castus’s Xbox into their apartment. He was grateful he’d done so shortly after, seeing Nasir skillfully strike down his enemies and blow off the stress of his upcoming paper.

Agron wanted to find some convenient way to let go of his own stress without leaving the apartment as well, but his stress ball had been inadequate seeing as he squeezed the damn thing to death.

He’d planted his head in his notes and didn’t move even when he heard the door open. “Paper done?” The sound of his voice was muffled.

“Yeah. Studying isn’t?”

“Studying is giving me a fucking headache.”

“This is your last year and then it will be over.” Nasir walked over to Agron and ran a hand through his hair before kissing his head.

Last year and then it will be over. Agron hadn’t really thought about that. Of course, he had, but not in the way that suddenly occurred to him. He looked up at Nasir.

Would it be over?

“Need a break?” Nasir asked, oblivious to the shift in Agron’s thoughts.

Agron stood, pushing his chair back so forcefully that it fell over, and kissed Nasir. Nasir started. It took him a moment to return the kiss, taken aback as he was by its intensity, but then his lips pushed back and he got his arms around Agron.

Agron had one arm hooked around Nasir’s waist and with his free hand he swept his notes aside. The papers rustled as they fell, completely out of order now. Agron grasped Nasir’s hips and lifted him up onto the table. He broke the kiss only to move his lips to Nasir’s neck, biting hard as he unzipped his jeans.

“We haven’t--” Nasir’s voice hitched-- “done this in a while.”

Agron jerked his jeans and boxers down and set to work on his own.

“Agron, we need lube.”

“No, we don’t.”

Agron had pushed his jeans down to his knees and didn’t care about getting them off any further. He didn’t bother with their shirts either. He held Nasir in place as he ground against him, then reached between them to take both of their cocks in hand.

“Fuck.” Nasir swore. He wound his arms tighter around Agron’s shoulders.

Agron stuck his fingers in his mouth, wetting them before he grasped Nasir’s ass and pressed inside him.

“Fuck!” Nasir’s body shook in response as Agron stroked them both at the same time. “You’re going to ruin me, Agron.”

“Good.” Agron’s lips found Nasir’s again but Nasir broke away periodically to gasp, breath falling harsh on his mouth before Agron claimed him again.

Nasir moaned. He bucked up into Agron’s hand, sliding against his cock. He bit at Agron’s lip.

“Come on.” Agron moved fast, knowing that neither of them had the energy for anything longer. He drove his fingers into Nasir’s body while he stroked him. “Come.”

“Agron--” Nasir pressed his face in Agron’s shoulder and let out a cry. And then his breathing stopped, his entire body shuddered, and he came in Agron’s hand.

Agron quickly let go of him and pushed away a fraction, just enough so that he wasn’t brushing against a now overly sensitive Nasir. He was happy to get himself off, but when Nasir’s hand joined his it only took him a few more strokes before he yelled and came.

Nasir’s breaths came hard and fast, just as Agron’s did. He didn’t let go, arms still firmly around Agron. “I don’t know where that came from,” he said. “But I’m not complaining.”

“It came from me being so fucking in love with you.” Agron didn’t say that often. He really should. He didn’t know how much time they’d have left.

Or he might know. Two semester’s worth.

“I need to--” Nasir started.

Agron never heard what he needed to do. He kissed him again and lowered him back onto the table, which creaked under their combined weight as he spread on top of him.

“Thank you for helping me study the human anatomy,” Nasir said between heavy breaths.

“You’re welcome.” Agron went to work on his neck.

“I could fall asleep right here.”

“You do that.”

Once Nasir did, Agron lifted him into his arms and carried him to bed. He kissed his forehead then curled up next to him. He’d clean up the mess in the morning. Right now, he wanted to trace his hands over Nasir’s body until he let sleep take him as well.

 

It was a good thing that Nasir had finished his paper because they barely got anything done that week. Nasir didn’t second guess Agron’s change in mood. He probably figured they were making up for lost time and that this was a good sign for them both. Agron wasn’t going to ruin that. It seemed to lift Nasir’s spirits. And if Agron had to almost fail a test because he wasn’t studying then that was fine. He didn’t want to pass this semester. Then he could stay longer. Although his parents would not be pleased at all.

“Hey.” Nasir came up behind Agron at breakfast, wrapping his arms around his shoulder just as Agron was trying to take a bite of his scrambled eggs.

“Eating.”

Nasir kissed his head and let go of him. “I looked in the mirror. You left marks all over my neck.”

“Did you notice the ones on your chest?”

“And shoulder. And around my nipples. And I think I’ve got some on my thighs.”

“Yeah.” Agron smiled. “I have some there too.”

Nasir went around the table to take the other chair. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve this but I don’t want to stop.”

Agron didn’t look up. “You’re here. That’s all you have to do to deserve it.”

“You know, you can look at me.” Nasir’s voice was gentle but it still carried a rebuke or was that Agron’s imagination.

Agron glanced up and saw Nasir watching him, chin in his hand.

“Sorry. I’m tired.”

“So am I and it’s your fault.” Nasir smiled.

Agron hesitantly returned it.

Nasir’s smile dropped from his face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Agron said quickly.

Nasir sat straighter, removing his chin from his hand. “That’s what people say when something is wrong.”

“No, I mean it. Nothing’s wrong.” Again, he really shouldn’t have been too quick to speak, nor to look away.

“Agron, tell me.” Nasir spoke in the way that always got to Agron and he wanted to just tell him to cut it the fuck out already.

“It’s my last year here,” Agron said instead.

“And?” Nasir asked.

“And…” Agron sat back and looked up at the ceiling briefly before meeting Nasir’s gaze. “What’s going to happen when I graduate?”

“You’ll get a job and a bigger apartment and not have to worry about tests and papers and all this shit.” Nasir sounded like this wasn’t a big deal, which meant he didn’t follow.

“What’s going to happen to us?” Agron asked more pointedly.

From the way Nasir’s eyes widened then contracted and how his face fell slightly before taking on a cooler, calmer expression, Agron could tell he’d finally got it.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought you’d still want to be with me,” Nasir said too evenly.

What?

Agron wanted to hit himself. “No-- that’s not-- fuck, Nasir of course I do. But it’s not going to be the same.”

Nasir’s expression hadn’t changed and his eyes were distant and wary. “No, it won’t.”

“I won’t be able to live with you. I’ll just see you on the weekends.”

“That’s not a problem for me, Agron.” Nasir’s voice was quiet. “Is it for you?”

“I don’t--” Agron hesitated, not quite sure what he was supposed to say. Feelings weren’t something he was good at. Worries and concerns were not emotions he was made to handle. “It’s not.”

“Then what are you worrying about?”

“That one of us is lying.” Agron wanted to take back the words once they were out because he could see Nasir grow visibly colder.

“I know I’m not.” He pressed his hands to the table and pushed himself off and away.

“Nasir--” Agron stood and reached for him.

“Agron.” Nasir brushed his hand away but a second later he had turned toward him and taken his hand in his own. “I don’t think I ask for much from you. I don’t want to but I need you to stop worrying and trust in what we have. I don’t know what to tell you if you can’t do that.”

“I can,” Agron said, not bothering to take the time to analyze his own feelings to see if that was possible. It would have to be.

Nasir watched him closely, sighed, and moved to bury his hand in Agron’s hair, bring his head forward, and press their foreheads together.

“I don’t want to go through life without you. Don’t make me.”

“I won’t.” Agron promised. “Not if I can help it.”

“That’s good enough for me.” Nasir released him.

He didn’t have to add “please let it be enough for you.”

 

This was one of those therapy sessions that started off with Agron sitting in silence for a long time. Usually his therapist let him stay that way for as long as he needed, but it had stretched on long enough that the man interrupted.

“You specifically asked for this day. Is there any reason?”

“Yeah,” Agron said flatly. “Duro died today.”

“That must bring up a lot of feelings.” His therapist, Brian, fortunately kept the sympathy levels to a minimum, which was just what Agron needed right now. Still, he thought that was a dumbass thing to say.

“That’s a fucking understatement.”

“I’ve thought about this.” Brian got up and leaned against his desk. The both of them never minded if the other stretched their legs. It unnerved Agron more if they didn’t move at some point during the session.

“Yeah?”

“There is no getting over losing someone, we’ve talked about that, but I think-- and we’ve both agreed on this-- you haven’t found a way to express that grief.”

Agron threw his new stress ball at the chair opposite him. “What’s your point?”

“Thanksgiving is coming up next month. Will you be visiting your home?”

Agron got up to retrieve the ball. “Yeah. I’ll probably bring Nasir again if he wants to come.” With the way they stood, Agron wasn’t sure if Nasir wanted to though he would probably go anyway.

“You mentioned that you haven’t visited your brother’s grave.”

Agron froze save for the way his hand clenched around the stress ball. “You want me to go?”

“It might be easier that way to let out your feelings, talk to him if you need to and remember him. Sometimes the only way to work past pain is to feel it.” His therapist pushed himself away from the desk. “It’s a thought.”

“It’s a stupid fucking thought.”

And, thinking of Nasir and how much he had to put up with, he realized he was probably going to do it anyway.

 

Agron could wait a month like his therapist had suggested. But if it was going to help he wanted to get it over with now. If it worked, it worked. If it didn’t, he’d try something else. But he waited until Friday to bring it up with Nasir.

Agron hadn’t felt like doing much that week, knowing what was coming, so he stretched out over the couch while Nasir, seated on the floor, played his Xbox. Agron ran his hand through Nasir’s hair.

Nasir turned his head away. “You’re distracting me.” But his tone said that he didn’t really mind.

“I need to talk to you.”

Immediately, Nasir paused the game, saved it, and quit. He turned to face Agron. “What is it?”

“I’m going home tomorrow.” Agron still had his hand in Nasir’s hair.

“For the weekend?”

“Just the day.”

Nasir’s brow knit together and he frowned. “Is your family all right?”

“They’re fine.” Except for his brother, which was the whole point of this. “I’m not seeing them. I’m going to-- visit Duro’s grave.”

Nasir’s expression of concern lessened but didn’t vanish. “Do you think that will help?”

“My therapist does. I don’t but-- why not? I’m overdue anyway. I haven’t been since the funeral. That’s not a very good brother thing to do.”

“I don’t think Duro would mind if you didn’t feel like you could go,” Nasir said. He caught Agron’s hand and pulled it away from his head so he could weave their fingers together. “I’ll go with you.”

“I can do this on my own.” Agron insisted.

“You can but you don’t have to. I’ll go with you.”

“Nasir, I’m fine. I don’t need--”

“I know you don’t, Agron.”

Agron looked at Nasir’s face, a strange mix of determined and sympathetic, and he let go of his reserves. “Alright. We’ll both go.”

 

Agron shouldn’t be here, in this cemetery. He didn’t want to be here, he realized. And, while he had protested to Nasir that he didn’t need him, he now knew that he did. He was grateful that he had come anyway and understood that, although Agron needed him there, he also needed some space. So he was waiting a distance away, where Agron had asked him to stay. Once Agron glanced back he saw that Nasir had respectfully turned aside.

Agron stared back at the tombstone, eyes drifting from that to the grass beneath which his brother’s body lay.

“This is stupid.” He muttered but he sat down before the grave anyway.

_Duro Zimmerman_

The date taunted him. Sixteen years old. Agron had been seventeen when Duro died. Now he was almost twenty two.

Had it really been four years? Agron had graduated, gone to college, found a boyfriend he was totally, completely in love with, decided what to do with his life, all these things. And Duro was--

Lying in the ground. Here. Rotting.

Agron hated himself for living.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered and he could hear Duro’s voice so clearly in his head.

Shut the fuck up, Agron.

It wasn’t Duro. It was the memory of him. Agron knew what he would say if he were here. “It wasn’t your fault. You were there. Stop being an idiot about it.” Agron would probably want to tell him the same thing if their places were reversed.

He glanced back at Nasir and then he felt guilty for wishing that their places _were_ reversed.

Agron’s gaze drifted to the rows of tombstones, some of them decorated with little bouquets.

“Sorry I didn’t bring you flowers. I know how much that disappoints you… would have disappointed you.” Not that Duro was here to appreciate his sarcasm. Agron pressed his hand to the ground and leaned back on it.

_October 28, 2011_

Agron closed his eyes but that only made it worse as the image of his brother bleeding in his arms came into a sharp focus.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. It should have been me. It was supposed to be me.” Only it hadn’t been.

Agron looked at the sky because every second he looked at that fucking tombstone, his brother’s name, and that date, he wanted to scream even more.

“But I’m glad I’m alive. I just-- wish you could be here. College is great. Sure, the classes suck but I’ve got friends and Nasir-- I wish you could meet him. I can’t keep my hands off him and even you would notice that. You’d be so God damn happy I’m with him. Remember how many times you told me to shut up and get laid already? ...Fuck, you’re not even here for me to make you uncomfortable.

“But yeah, Nasir is-- better than I deserve. I wish you knew him. And Spartacus…” Agron trailed off and was silent for a while. “I wonder what friends you would have made. If you would have a girlfriend. There’s a lot I want to know now and I’m never going to find out it’s just so fucking--” Agron took a deep breath.

“You’re still my best friend, Duro. You’re dead. We buried you. I haven’t come here in four years but you’re still my best friend.”

There were words he couldn’t say. Words like “I’m fucked up. I’m not the same without you. I love you.” But he couldn’t say them. Maybe Duro knew anyway.

Agron didn’t speak again. He took one last look at Duro’s name before stretching his stiff legs and standing. He trudged over to Nasir.

His boyfriend didn’t say anything. He gave Agron a brief, slight smile of encouragement before he offered his hand. Agron took it.

“Let’s go,” Agron said.

 

That night, back in his bed with Nasir in his arms, he dreamed of Duro. This time he wasn’t bleeding and his eyes weren’t vacant. Agron kept waiting for it to happen but all he got was a smile as Duro sat next to him on the couch in his apartment.

“Going to say something or keep sitting and staring at me like an idiot?” Duro asked.

“I’m not an idiot.” But there wasn’t much force to the denial.

“Everyone knows you’re an idiot. I wish you’d figured that one out before I died.”

Agron kept staring at his brother. “You were always a bigger idiot than me.”

Duro grinned. “That’s better. Not good but better.”

“What are you doing here?” Agron asked. This wasn’t like the other dreams and Duro had never set foot in this apartment, never laid eyes on it, never even fucking knew where Agron would go to college.

“Talking to you.”

“Yeah, I’m not that much of an idiot, Duro. I can see that. I mean what are you doing here? This isn’t my normal dream.”

“Are you really complaining about that?” Duro looked at him skeptically.

“Of course I’m not fucking complaining but this is wrong!”

“It’s the kind of dream you’re supposed to be having, asshole. You should have gone to my grave earlier and then we could have been talking and insulting each other four years ago.”

Agron couldn’t take his eyes off him. “No, we couldn’t.”

Duro shrugged. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“So what is this dream?”

“I don’t know, but you’re wasting it.” Duro shifted closer to him. “Come on, don’t you want to talk to me?”

“I just did. You should talk to me.”

Duro looked mock-thoughtful for a bit and rubbed his chin. “Alright. I’ve called you an idiot and an asshole so we covered that. I think now I can say I’m proud of you and also that you need to move on already.”

“There is no moving on,” Agron said, repeating the words he’d told his therapist once.

“O.K., no moving on. How about stop blowing everything up in your face like the idiot I’ve already called you, shithead.”

That was definitely his brother. And Agron didn’t have a good response to that.

“I like your friends. I’d like you to keep them. And don’t fuck things up with Nasir or else you’ll regret it and I’ll kick your ass in the afterlife because you’re not going to get a better man to stick your dick into.” Duro immediately made a face after he said that. “Which I really don’t want to think about.”

“Are you real?” Agron asked, unable to feel anything but a numb shock even after all this time.

“Probably not.” Duro admitted. “Does that change anything?”

“Probably not.” Agron echoed. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, brother.” Duro crawled over to him and punched his shoulder. “Have a good life. Stop being a fuck up. I love you.”

Agron’s throat tightened. “I love you, too.”

“Oh yeah.” Duro started as the dream began to fade. He held up two fingers. “Two words for you. Settlement. Car.”

“The fuck does that--” Agron started awake, “mean.”

Settlement. Car.

“Fucking dream.” Agron cursed softly.

“Mm?” Nasir stirred.

“Go back to sleep.” Agron mumbled as he pressed closer to Nasir. He fought to do the same but couldn’t manage it.

 

Settlement. Car. It was just a dream so why did it stick in Agron’s head? The settlement was obviously the money he was (not yet and possibly never) getting from the stupid fuck that had ran into them over a year ago. Car was self explanatory. So why did Duro have to say that?

Because it wasn’t Duro. He’d said it himself in the dream. It was his subconscious telling him what he knew he needed to hear and giving him one last chance to see his brother like Agron wanted to remember him. So he should really stop thinking about this. Even if it felt like he was missing something obvious…

Nasir had had an early morning class (relatively early) and Agron had been passed out when he left. So the first time he saw him that day was the afternoon and he was still mulling things over when Nasir stepped through the door.

“Hey.” Nasir walked over to join Agron on the couch, leaning into him at once. “You had a bad dream last night.”

“It wasn’t bad.” Agron corrected him. “It was… bizarre.”

“How?” Nasir asked.

“Duro and I talked. That was it.”

Nasir looked up at him. “That doesn’t sound bizarre, Agron.”

“It is for me.”

“Then it’s good bizarre?” Nasir asked.

Agron nodded, head brushing against Nasir’s. “Yeah.”

“So going to his grave was a good idea?” Nasir wrapped his arm around him.

“I think so,” Agron said cautiously.

“Good.”

Before either of them could say any more, Agron’s phone rang, with the specific ringtone he’d selected for Spartacus.

“Hold on.” Agron leaned away from Nasir, got up, retrieved his phone, and answered it.

“Spartacus.” He greeted his friend.

“Agron. How are you?”

“Fine.” Agron figured telling Spartacus about how he’d visited his dead brother’s grave was not something to start the conversation off with. “What about you?”

“Good,” Spartacus said and then he continued. “I met someone.”

 

“He met someone?” Nasir repeated after Agron once the phone call was over.

“Yeah. Her name is Sura.”

“Why does everyone in our circle of friends have the weirdest names?”

“ _Nasir,_ I really don’t know.” Agron’s lips quirked into a smile.

“My name is normal. If you knew Arabic names--”

“Relax. I’m just teasing.” Agron settled on the couch. He lay back and Nasir climbed on top of him.

“I am relaxed.” Nasir folded his arms over Agron’s chest. “He must really like this Sura if he brought her up.”

“He’s been seeing her for a month.”

“That’s not very long.” Nasir pointed out.

“I was completely in love with you before our first month.” Agron smiled. He brushed Nasir’s hair back and away from his shoulder. “Within two weeks.”

Nasir stared at him. “Two weeks?”

“Yeah.”

Nasir kissed his lips before settling back down over his chest. “That was exact.”

“I know the day too.”

“Oh?” Nasir’s smile spread wider. “When is that?”

“October 28th, when I texted you to come over and you listened to me talk about my brother.”

Nasir’s smile faltered.

“It’s all right.” Agron reassured him. “It’s a good memory. You made it a good memory.”

“I don’t have a day for you.” Nasir told him. “You kept growing on me. I think I was doomed from the start.”

“Doomed? Is it so terrible to be with me?”

“I don’t go a day without having a hickey on my body.” Nasir kissed his throat. “It’s horrible.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

Nasir laughed. “Shut up.” To make sure Agron did, he pressed their lips together and didn’t pull away.

 

Agron was just getting out of his class when his phone rang. He took one look at it and rolled his eyes. The lawyer he and his friends were consulting-- had been consulting-- for over a year and still had nothing to show for it. It was going to be the same fucking thing.

“Yeah, this is Agron,” he said as he stepped off the brick path to get away from the swell of students leaving the building.

He listened to what the lawyer had to say. Asked a few questions, received answers, and when it finally hit him what was happening his jaw dropped.

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

When he got off the phone, he saw that not enough time had elapsed for Nasir to get out of his own class. Still, he couldn’t help texting him for when he did get out.

_lawyer called we’re getting the settlement money_

Settlement. Car.

Agron dropped his phone.

 

Nasir practically threw his backpack to the floor when he got home. “Are you kidding me?”

“I asked him the same thing.” Agron grinned as Nasir rushed towards him. “We’re finally getting it.”

“Oh my God.” Nasir’s own grin split his face. “I thought we’d never see a penny.”

“This is what, a hundred and fifty thousand between the two of us?” Agron had no idea what he was going to do with that much.

“Fifty for me, a hundred for you. Yeah. Good job counting.” Nasir took Agron’s face in his hands and kissed him.

Agron got his arms around Nasir’s waist. “Do you know what this means?”

“We’re rich?” Nasir smiled at him.

“That too but-- if you get a car you can drive to campus.” He watched as Nasir’s eyes widened.

“Oh, shit.”

“Yeah.”

“ _I can live with you._ ”

Agron’s hold on him tightened. “Yeah.”

Nasir pulled Agron’s head down and his kiss wasn’t just hard, it was practically an assault as his hands gripped Agron’s shirt and tore at it. “Fuck me,” he said. “Now.”

Agron shoved him back onto the couch and he didn’t care if he ripped Nasir’s clothes off or Nasir succeeded in doing the same. Once they were naked, once Agron was inside of Nasir, he couldn’t stop kissing him and Nasir couldn’t stop laughing between his groans.

 

Agron’s legs had tangled up with Nasir’s. They were both drying off from the shower they’d had to take and the bedsheets were soaked beneath them. Not that Agron was complaining as Nasir lay on top of him, alternating between kissing his chest and his lips.

“Maybe,” Agron said as Nasir pulled away, “we should get a house. Once I get a job, some small house for the two of us.”

“Settle down for a domestic life?” Nasir asked.

“Fuck me. I do sound domestic, don’t I?”

“Should we,” Nasir kissed his throat, “get a white picket fence?”

Agron grabbed Nasir’s arms and pushed him up. “Fuck you.” But he followed that up with a kiss. He let go of Nasir’s left arm so he could curl his fingers in Nasir’s hair. He brought his other arm around Nasir’s waist and pulled him close again.

Nasir rested his head on Agron’s shoulder. Agron was fairly sure Nasir’s eyes had closed as Agron’s hand swept down his back.

“Do you want that?” Agron asked.

“A white picket fence?” Nasir responded lazily.

“No, living with me.”

“Yeah,” Nasir said without hesitation. “I’m already living with you, Agron.”

“A house is different.”

“No, it’s not.” Nasir ran his fingers over Agron’s stubbled cheek. “Don’t overthink this, alright?”

Agron nodded. “Nasir, I couldn’t find a better man to stick my dick into.”

Nasir snorted and buried his face in Agron’s neck as they both laughed.

Agron mouthed the words “thank you, Duro.”

 

Agron’s alarm went off.

“Fuck.” He pressed closer to Nasir, at the same time pushing him back into him with the hand over his boyfriend’s stomach.

“Agron.” Nasir mumbled as he woke.

“One minute.” Agron’s voice wasn’t any better as he squeezed his eyes shut more tightly.

Nasir sighed and pushed away from Agron. He was able to swipe over Agron’s phone to shut off the alarm. A moment later he had settled back and Agron buried his face in his shoulder, smiling to himself.

“Agron.”

“Mmm.” Fuck, Agron loved how warm Nasir was.

Nasir shook his arm. “You need to get up.”

“One minute.”

“You said that yesterday. You can’t be late for work.” Nasir pulled Agron’s arm away and rolled over so that he was facing him.

Agron felt Nasir’s lips cover his. He reached up to hold the back of Nasir’s head and they remained kissing for half a minute before Nasir pulled away.

“Get up if you want more.”

“Fuck everything.” Agron swore but he opened his eyes. “Enjoy sleeping in while you can because next year you’re going to be working mornings.” He sat up and was rewarded with a brief kiss before Nasir nudged him off the bed and lay down.

“I still wake up with you.” Nasir pointed out.

“You’re still in bed.” Agron walked over to their dresser and started pulling out his clothes.

“That’s my shirt.”

“Fuck it.” Agron shoved the article of clothing back in the drawer and looked for a new one.

When he finished getting dressed he looked across the room, small but still less cramped than the one they’d shared in their apartment. Nasir was lying, propped up on his elbow, watching him. Agron grabbed Nasir’s discarded shirt and threw it at him.

“You’re having breakfast with me.”

“Alright.” Nasir pulled on his shirt. “But you’re taking a shower on your own.”

Agron cursed. “I hate work.” He sorted through Nasir’s clothes and threw him the rest of them. Then he stayed to watch as Nasir got his boxers on, skin disappearing far too quickly for his liking.

“You’ll get used to it.”

“It’s been two months and I had to stop waking up by fucking you into the mattress. I’m never getting over it.”

“I knew moving in with you last year would spoil you.” Nasir grabbed his hand. “Let’s eat.”

Agron followed him through the hall of their home. He didn’t feel like anything more than some quick cereal so he grabbed the box.

“Agron.”

He turned. “Hm?”

Nasir smiled. “Nothing.”

“What?” Agron asked.

Nasir shrugged. “Being domestic isn’t so bad, is it?”

Agron considered it for a moment as he poured his cereal into his bowl. “No, it’s not.” He agreed. He grabbed a spoon and pointed it at Nasir. “Not a word to our friends.”

“None at all.” Nasir closed the distance between them, pushed the spoon away, and kissed him. “And Agron?”

“Yes?” He moved to press their foreheads together.

“You can fuck me into the mattress when you get back.”

Agron’s response to that was a grin.


End file.
